The first 3(?) weeks here have been rough. I planned, I (thought I) was relaxed, I was excited for the new school year, the first day started well, and then sliiidddde, crash. Rhythm hasn't come easily, we have had significant kiddo struggles, main lesson hasn't gone smoothly, there have been more sibling squabbles than usual, the kids have not been listening well, it has been extremely difficult to transition them out of play and especially out of books they are engaged in, etc. And my block plan? Forget it. I didn't even make it out of the gate.
The final straw came last week when I slammed my finger in a door. Oh my goodness. I haven't had something hurt so much in a very long time (despite having consistent back pain the last 6+ months from an old injury). The injury took down the day, because it meant a doctor visit instead of activity day with our charter, it meant lots of tears from me, and the pain put me in a grumpy mood. While it doesn't seem to be broken (and blood is circulating), it is my dominant hand and it has continued to hurt enormously.
The next day, I descended a little further into gloom just from witnessing others having success. In our charter resource center for math class (where we were after more anger and frustration from my child over completing the homework), I watched one mom engage her 6th grader with joyful, loving praise. Another dad chatted to me about how much he loves homeschooling because he can watch his middle school daughter create and do things she loves and he has found she is so helpful around the home without even being asked. Had I found the same?
No. This week left me feeling like a failure. I had seriously off-track children, no joy, I felt lack of authority in my home(school), my kids didn't step up to help when I injured my finger, my kids were unhappy ("Can't we have any fun?!") and I felt insulted by it all. Whew.
Do you ever feel like the right voices come to you right when you need them most? I listened to a podcast from Hand in Hand Parenting that happened to address some of the very issues we struggle with. I needed the reminder that my kids are good. (They are so good!) I am good. We are all wanting to do the right thing and that it is healthy and necessary for me to offload my feelings to another adult so I don't do it on my kids, or, at the very least, I am lightened so I can engage with them the way I want to. Where had I gone off track? Then, I re-read a piece on temperament from Waldorf Essentials, with the thought it would help me consider my kids' temperaments in our homeschool. What it did, instead, was highlight for me that, even though I fundamentally know it comes down to me, I had gotten off track. I had become unbalanced. I am melancholic-sanguine, which is a hard combo to be. (We feel things deeply, want to do right by others, and have a difficult time with follow through.) I had definitely slipped into an exhausted, resentful melancholy. I find it hard to hold the space and limits consistently.
Sustaining all that is needed to homeschool a growing family of individuals, some of which have high needs, is, well...hard.
So that is where I am, fully aware and doing my best to quickly work my way back to balance, despite the crazy going on around me in my family and the world.
So...back to the school year. This realization made me stop and reconsider. Instead of feeling like everything is a flop, what IS working? There are individual successes! (I am letting the kids know I see these, too!) As a little tribe, our weekly nature walk using Exploring Nature with Children and John Muir Laws has been wonderful. Also, Waldorfish Weekly Art has been a success. I am letting these success lift me up, particularly as regular art and regular nature time were both difficult to establish previously! Also happening around here is a lot of reading. Honestly, so much that it has been difficult to transition kids' attention to anything else and I have been feeling, well, annoyed. But the last few days, several people in my homeschool world have serendipitously commented on the joy their kids are finding in books and in the library and I heard a voice in my head reminding me I would be distressed if they weren't reading. So...success!
This weekend, we had a birthday celebration for Lala Bug. All the guests were homeschoolers or former homeschoolers, and listening to the kids talk about the differences they perceive was so validating! They feel supported, like their interests and needs matter, and they like spending time with friends of both (all!) genders and ages, who are kind. This is what we hope for as homeschooling parents!
When I need a reminder to focus on connection and happiness in the home, Julie Bogart always seems to say just the right thing. Permission from a veteran. I read this Simple Homeschool article about what to ask ourselves as we begin the year that I thought was good and simple. I also made note about a little daily list of questions that come from Melisa Wiley in this Brave Writer podcast, but were highlighted by my friend, Jess, when she incorporated them into a beautiful art piece for her wall.
Today, did we:
Play and use our imaginations?
Do meaningful work?
Read a good book?
Have an encounter with beauty?
Ponder or discuss an idea?
Attempt something challenging or new?
Express gratitude?
So, here is to refocusing and moving forward. What has been working well for you?
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