present

I am not sure at what point the word present landed on my list of possible words for 2019, but it was some months ago, perhaps even nearly a year ago. Sometime in November, though, it floated to the top of my mind and stuck there. Well, in honesty, I tipped back and forth between present and presence, but I decided that present had a little more flexibility to it and I am a woman who likes a little flexibility.

Each year, I choose a guiding word for myself. In fact, 2019 marks my 10th year of doing so. Woah. My words so far have been calm (2010), nourish (2011), hope (2012), renewal (2013), treasure (2014), joy (2015), potato (really, humor and laughter...potato was a family joke, 2016), harmony (2017), and happy (with expectations and boundaries being the foundation, 2018).

Just writing those words evokes so many memories and emotions for me, each word chosen carefully to honor where I was at that time in my life and my personal growth. I carry each word forward with me, knowing which ones I still need to meditate on from time to time.

As I reflect on my word for 2018, happy, I feel so good. So many really hard things happened for me (I don't want to use the words to me) in 2018 with regard to relationships with several people close to me. The kind of hurts that last a long time and grief that resurfaces in moments we least want it to, but makes us more confident, stronger, and reflect more on ourselves and what is most important. Coming into 2018, I already knew that the foundation of happy for me at this time in my life, was a need to be clear about my expectations of others (and myself) and a need to work on setting and holding boundaries. While still a work in progress for me, I have come a long way and each step has contributed to my overall sense of happy.

I will keep working on that in 2019, but the latter half of 2018 left me recognizing that I am having to work really hard to stay present. Parts of me feel stuck in the past, parts of me feel too forward-thinking, and part of me just feels muddled, fuzzy headed, wrapped up in worries, and unable to stay focused and mindful of what is important right now. All we have is today. I want to have happy presence with my family, I want to have clarity of mind, and I want to feel lighter and less drained. I think this may mean viewing the word present in a different way, as well...as a present to myself or the gift of self-care.

Do you have a word or goal for 2019?