Inner Work, Faith, and Self-care

 Beauty grows from hard things. 

(Penstemon newberryi growing from a crack in a mass of granite.)

When I began diving into Waldorf with intention, about 8 years ago, the words 'inner work' kept coming up. At the time, I was a bit hesitant to ask, 'what does that mean?!'

During that time, what I was reading and hearing generally had religious foundations. The advice "Pray about it" and "Get down on your knees" was offered freely. As a spiritual, but secular person, these suggestions baffled me and slowed my progress. I could not relate to the easy faith that sharing with God would bring peace, because God would provide. I do not believe in a God in this way and I do not have that free trust that there is someone bigger than me, ready to catch me and lead the way.

Somewhere along way, I began to understand inner work as a catch-phrase for slowing down, getting quiet in my mind, admitting where I needed to let go and ask for help (even if only to myself), and taking ownership for my role in all aspects of my life and all relationships in my life. This 'inner work' seems to mean quiet self-recognition, ownership-of-self, and any actions taken to accept and move forward. For some, it includes prayer. For me, it includes meditation, thoughtfulness, and intentionality. It might include crying as a release and I may need to write freely to achieve a place of mental peace.  Inner work can be hard and painful and vulnerable. It can be freeing and calming. For me, it is soul-care and needs to be followed with self-care and the ingestion of content or performance of any activity to help me help heal and grow myself, such as listening to music, reading poetry, doing yoga, writing, doing an art or crafting, reading, etc.

I learned that once I understood myself more, I could better define what inner work meant for me, and over the years, my inner work and self-care have changed due to the circumstances in my life even more than they have changed due to knowing myself better.

I am a highly sensitive, introverted woman, who is married to an amazing man who has a long commute (affecting his own self-care and our family schedule and dynamics) and a homeschool parent to two children, one of whom has a variety of differences and higher needs. These aren't the only factors that define me, but they the the biggest factors in defining my ability to do healthy work on myself and care for myself.

I need to start from a place of consistent alone time, preferably at home. This provides the well from which I draw, and without that, even daily small doses of self-care aren't enough and I have trouble letting go into that place of true quiet. I end up "thinking about my need to think about things."

This past year, particularly since winter break, our family patterns and personal schedules have changed and shifted a bit, making it nearly impossible for me to at home, alone (or seemingly alone with others asleep). I have been working to adjust and accommodate. This past year has been one of growth, exploration, and change in so many ways.

Since we homeschool, summer is a chance for kids to attend day camp, giving us all a break from one another and me some much needed alone time. This summer, because of travel and classes, the kids are doing just one week of camp and that is wrapping up now. I could use one more day but the kids felt done by the end of yesterday.

I made a list of things I needed and wanted to accomplish this week. I tried to be realistic and also to make sure there were not just productive items, but true self-care on the list. I am pleased with how much I marked off the list! Despite this, I can see how depleted I have gotten simply because it took me until day 4 to really start to let go, cry, get a little quiet in my mind, and begin to work through the many things I have mentally set aside. As soon as I do, healing, decisions, and faith in myself begin, and joy and beauty have a chance to sprout.

What do inner work, soul-care, and self-care look like for you?