Beloved Hawthorn tree, which has transformed in the last 2 weeks. A flock of Cedar Waxwings cleared the remaining berries, nudging the new leaves to show themselves.
While I have had a lot of things to say and seemingly plenty of time to say them, the thoughts in me haven't been organized or fluid for months now. For this reason, I post less and less often.
Even now, I am not sure that my jumble of thoughts will be well written, but I want to get something onto the blog to mark this time in history and our lives. Our family has been socially isolating for nearly 4 weeks. Yesterday marked 3 weeks since health officials in our area (the first to do so in the country) declared shelter-in-place due to COVID-19. My thoughts now are very different from that first week.
During week 1, this whole situation felt unreal. As our movement in the world became more limited, it seemed surreal, as though it would be temporary. I wondered if the view of homeschooling might change for the better as schools closed one by one. My thoughts of that have shifted the past few weeks. I worry for the families that are trying to juggle kids at home with work-from-home jobs, kids who don't have a safe haven at home, and families who have lost jobs. I know there are teachers struggling to pull together home lesson plans (this being harder the younger the child), parents struggling to know how to bring a class teacher's lesson plan to life at home, and kids pushing back and resisting work. Now in week 4, I wonder...when we are all let back out into the world and schools reopen, if homeschoolers will be more criticized than before. And at some point I realized; No one is homeschooling right now, not even the homeschoolers. What we are doing is pandemic-schooling. Or just surviving. (I like what Carrie of The Parenting Passageway and Shawna of Different by Design Learning have to say.) The reality is that no-one has been where we are now. We are trying to find our footing while figuring out how to acquire the basics for living, get enough movement while deprived of big nature, and support each other. All while we wait for an unknown. We are a world spiking in physical, emotional, and mental health strain.
Week 1, one of my biggest emotions was guilt. Guilt that we were okay and totally soaking in the time at home. My family had desperately been needing some down time, together. M's work and commute had been nutty, and when he was home, he often had conference calls. His absence had, in all honesty, created some painful Dada rejection for one kid. The kids and I had been very busy, one kid sick in February and the other counting the weeks until spring and summer breaks. The first week home, we connected, we relaxed, we had time to be creative. We had some hard adjustments too. It turns out live-stream online classes (distance-learning) are not a good fit for one kiddo, our Internet coverage is clunky, and our house is tiny, so there is no-where for M to work. (He has a stool pulled up to the side of our bed, and as of last summer, our bedroom is a finished basement room - a through-way to the garage. He had to connect his computer to the Internet with hard wire to have a connection down there.) Work continues to be stressful, with new dimensions of intensity.
But these are first world problems. So far, he is still employed and we are still healthy, as are our families. So far. The 'not knowing' what is to come is hard. I read an article in week 2, written by a counselor to parents of high needs children. Some excellent points were made that we parents of kids with special needs are experienced with 'no knowing.' Very true. Now in week 4, I see that the reality is the whole world is on pause right now. No one knows how long any given place will need to stay home to stay healthy. There is so much worry, with health and financial worry topping the list. And while humanity struggles, Mother Earth keeps turning, the sun keeps rising, the birds are singing, the air quality is much improved, and wildlife can be seen roaming now-quiet streets. These are the beautiful things, along with health and bounty, that keep us all moving forward. Not seeing friends and the more solid understanding that kids won't resume or be reunited with classes, sports, and friends anytime soon has been hard. Sibling relationships have gone from playful to strained.
Week 1 we needed the down time. Week 4 we are needing outside-the-family time. This month has been an incredible spyglass on the balance my family needs.
A week or so ago, I was messaging with a local friend, who was feeling overwhelmed (as many of us are) and who said "I just want to go back to how it was." Deep breath. Pause. I texted back; "Me too. There is no going back. It will always be life 'before pandemic' and life 'after pandemic'." That is a huge realization to mentally own and everyone will have to do that in their own time and way. And right now, "during pandemic" feels unfamiliar, isolating, scary, never-ending, anxious, frazzled, insert-your-emotions-here.
"During pandemic" has also had its share of positive emotions; connection, love, deep gratitude, and creativity, caring, friendliness with new meaning. This time has nudged us to to return to the roots of this blog; Creative. Light. Less. When I first began blogging (on my blog titled Which Name?), most of what I wrote about was creative, frugal living. When I moved blogs and chose a new name, I stuck with that and chose a name that reflected my desire to live creatively, lightly on this Earth, and with less (stuff, baggage, etc.) During the past 5+ years, our family has drifted further away from those roots and my blogging has been spottier and more about homeschooling. At the end of 2019, I had decided that I wanted to consciously return to some of these lifestyle fundamentals. For similar and other reasons, I chose the word Light as my word for 2020. So it seems positive to me that, here we are, finding light in this time of darkness in the world, and having to live creatively and with less. I know that it has helped us tremendously that we were prepared entering into this stay-at-home time. Our family culture being rooted in DIY made this transition easier, as did our preparedness for earthquakes and wildfires because of where we live. (I am linking to another post from Carrie of The Parenting Passageway, where she wrote about how she was preparing for an extended time at home. It is a great prep list.) This time at home has given space for recycled/upcycled craft projects, seed planting, tons more creative cooking, conscious shopping, reusable materials, creative fixes and replacements, and more consciousness to what we are using and doing. The craze for toilet paper has me worried in only one way...someone accidentally flushing cloth wipes down the toilet. (We already had the stress of having a plumber in during week 2 because of a clog in the pipe that we couldn't clear with our home tools.)
So here we are today, sitting in gratitude for all we have and curiosity about the days ahead.
I hope my rambling, wandering thoughts find you doing whatever you can and are able to do to stay safe and healthy; physically, emotionally, and mentally, and you have a window or an outdoor space that lets you soak in a little springtime sunshine and fresh air.
Stay well.
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