Today, as I sat in the doctor's office waiting for biopsy results (I am fine), I sat across from a couple with a brand new baby. It was clear from the way they were holding the baby and talking with each other that this new little person was their first. In the few minutes I sat there, I had one of those experiences that takes some time to explain, even though in your head, it happens in seconds. Do you know what I mean?
Since my miscarriages, when I see a baby like that, I won't deny there is a deep longing. A sadness that is never very far from the surface; a mixture of loss and regret. I don't think that feeling will ever be gone, but as time passes, it is more fleeting.
Today, it washed over me quickly, and what followed was almost like I was experiencing M and me from the outside, with Lala Bug for the first time after she was born. I heard that baby's little squeaks and watched her pursed little lips and clenching fingers and I remembered Lala Bug doing those same things, as if it was yesterday. My mind rolled forward and in seconds, I saw highlights of our life with our children until now, and then I was right back in the waiting room, watching this couple and their baby.
And they were in awe. They were delighting in her every little noise and movement, commenting quietly about watching her breathe, clearly in wonder of this tiny little human that they had created and was now blessing their lives.
It made me wonder...when does that wonder and awe in our children fade and why? I think it is retrievable and I intend to reclaim mine. Whether 8lbs or 80lbs, our children are amazing and wonderful and awesome and I am thankful to this couple and their tiny little baby for reminding me of that today.
I don't know if this is the same thing you write of, but I think there was a shift for me when we started Waldorf homeschooling. Suddenly I had an agenda and expectations. Previously I accepted my child and loved him unconditionally. Awe and wonder are the perfect descriptions. I still do love him unconditionally of course, but I feel this pressure to move him along all the time whereas before I was just walking alongside him, delighting in his way of being in the world, not trying to push him into what I think (Waldorf education says) he should be doing at this stage. It is a never-ending conflict for me. I see the beauty and benefit of Waldorf, but at the same time I feel I am forcing it upon him. Then there is the sheer amount of physical, emotional and mental energy it takes from me to learn and plan and deliver it all, which has a huge impact on how present and relaxed I am. I feel that I have a love/hate relationship with what we do. Sometimes it is perfect, and I feel we are on the right path, other times I just want to quit!
ReplyDeleteCatherine, yes, there is a little of that. It isn't that I don't see my child as amazing, but to be able to sit and simply drink them in...I do miss that and wasn't even fully aware I was missing that because life kicks in, they get bigger, more needy and demanding, they get bigger, differently needy and demanding, and all of a sudden, I am managing, rather than enjoying, my kids. Does that make sense? Oh that little baby...so innocent. Sometimes I see families like that and I think "oh, if they only knew what is ahead" and then I think "wow, someone thought that of me, once!" Today I thought "they could teach me something!"
DeleteYes, that makes absolute sense. I often feel I'm being pulled in so many directions whereas when I started out my parenting journey with just a baby I just let the dishes pile up without guilt and got down on the floor with him. Every day, many times a day, we have to make a choice about priorities for our time and energy and sometimes (well, truthfully, a lot of the time) I feel guilty about the choices I make. I often think about this because life has shifted from "my baby is amazing" to "parenting is such a lot of work". A constant sense of pressure and overwhelming responsibility. But it's like that jar with the rocks - you have to put the big rocks in first otherwise you'll never find room for them.
DeleteI miss that baby stage where I was very clear about what my priority was and what kind of parent I wanted to be. Perhaps it's a middle school thing, but I sure feel burdened with the responsibility of it all this year and uncertain about how I'm doing. Homeschooling aka parenting is not easy, that's for sure. But the joy and satisfaction is enormous, I know, if I can only get out of my head and let the dishes pile up sometimes!
Beautiful thoughts. I am trying to regain that as well :)
ReplyDelete