This post was first written and posted to my original blog, Which Name?, on February 22, 2013. I have made a few small edits here for privacy reasons. I clearly remember the introduction of this poem to me (thank you, Mom) and my reason for posting it then. At that time, I had learned about the second of several miscarriages the morning of the day we met with our new homeschool charter teacher. (This charter relationship is not the same one we are in now and was not a good fit.) The "guest" at that time represented the pain and inability to communicate to those around me the loss of someone I never really had. I am posting this again today, because this blog post popped up in my Facebook memories and it couldn't have hit me on a more perfect day. (Okay, I am sure it could, as I'm a sensitive woman, so another wave came before and another will come after.) This morning was bumpy for all sorts of reasons, manifesting in a very tough homeschool day. As I read this post, I long to step back in time, wrap myself in those little people who just want and need me and look so darn cute reading on the couch together. I want to freeze us there while gain my footing, get caught up, catch my breath. I treated this morning's guest kindly and with love and the rewards will come back to me 'some day,' I am sure of it. (And just as I was typing this, one of my now-tall-little people asked to sit on my lap for a hug. Maybe it is 'some day' already.) ~Nicola, February 22, 2018
February 22, 2013
guest house
The
Guest House
This
being human is a guest house.
Every
morning a new arrival.
A joy,
a depression, a meanness,
some
momentary awareness comes
as an
unexpected visitor.
Welcome
and entertain them all!
Even if
they are a crowd of sorrows,
who
violently sweep your house
empty
of its furniture,
still,
treat each guest honorably.
He may
be clearing you out
for
some new delight.
The
dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet
them at the door laughing and invite them in.
Be
grateful for whatever comes
because
each has been sent
as a
guide from beyond.
-- Jelaluddin Rumi,
translated by Coleman Barks
The Rumi poem above came to me from my mom (which came to her from a friend) at the beginning of the year, at a time when our chain of losses had only just begun. It is such a beautiful poem and so powerful. I printed it out and put it up above my desk. (I have corks there to collect the bits of inspiration that I look to now and then to keep me going.) The photos below it show that life continues...spring is springing here in coastal California.
The days are blending into each other now, in a very natural way. Many of them have their challenges. My current mantra (gleaned from somewhere in my Waldorf-y world) is "warm heart, cool mind." But not a single day has passed during which I have regretted our decision to homeschool. I thought I knew this girl of mine, but she is teaching me so much about what an amazing person she is and is becoming.
This isn't going to be one of those homeschooler posts where I tell you what our rhythm is and all the cool stuff we are doing. Although we actually have done a bunch of cool stuff, the truth is, I am finding it so challenging to get into a new groove. I had a fabulous one going before winter break, but I have learned it was easier for me to shape one with Little Brown Mouse while Lala Bug was at school. Lala is an enigma...I haven't quite figured out how to best shape our day for her (and for me). I do know she really did need (and does need) this time with me. I am loving that, truly. I am only mildly missing my alone time (although there aren't enough hours in the day and I am not quite sure how I am going to get the taxes done), but I am missing my time with Little Brown Mouse. He and I have no alone time now, although I am not sure he minds the way Lala did when she didn't have any alone time with me.
As for the nuts and bolts, I can share those. We left the Waldorf-inspired charter we were in for a number of reasons. I will say only that I hope, for all the children there (and selfishly because I spent hours and hours over the past 2 years working on the school), that the school finds its way to success eventually. We moved straight into the arms of several families of like-minded friends (old and new) in the form of a Waldorf and arts inspired homeschool co-op. The kids all get along and we parents are currently hosting 6 classes for them, including lesson-related crafting, knitting (also lead by a dear friend and mentor), world dance, creative writing, world music, and Spanish. It is fabulous. We are also homeschooling through a charter and trying to remain as Waldorf inspired as possible, as this seems to touch Lala (and me!) deeply. We have chosen Waldorf Essentials (through choice) and Oak Meadow (charter approved) as our curricula for now, and are using the non-Waldorf, but entertaining, Life of Fred for math.
A little less than two months in, I am still a little uncertain of myself, but have been reassured that I am doing well, given how new to this part of our journey we are. Everyone is happier and our family is more connected. We seem to either get startled, crazed looks or excited inquiries about how to do it, when we tell people we are homeschooling. The truth is, we are happy with the choice. I am not sure what the future holds, but then that is half the fun.
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