thrive

 

 

2020 has been a monumental year of unexpected challenges, one after another, all around the globe. 

Each year, since 2010, I have chosen a word of the year, and for 2020, it was the word Light. (Re-reading my post and the links within it was incredibly meditative for me.) 

When I choose a word for the year, it becomes an anchor for me, so even when I am not doing enough of anything else to care well for myself, I can think of the word and consider what I envisioned when I selected it.

I have a list of possible words for 2021...really good ones, like resilience (Lala Bug's urging) and connection, but the word thrive keeps coming back to my mind.

2020 has been a year during which I have wrestled with feelings of gratitude, joy, appreciation, privilege, struggle, overwhelm, frustration, desperation, anxiety, and guilt, all in one tangled mess. I have felt as though we are surviving; working hard to stay physically healthy, stay safe (in so many versions of the word), stay employed, stay connected, all while being mindful of the mental and emotional health toll this is all taking, up and down all day, everyday now. I feel as if I am "on" 24/7, as though I am the lighthouse for my family, but my light is unstable.

I want to Thrive, so that is the word I am choosing for 2021. 

I hope you, too, thrive, in 2021 and I hope you found some glimmers of light (some silver linings) in 2020. Namaste.

light - an autumn check-in

 

I hesitated using this photo. It represents so much for me; nature, seasonal change, hope, and light. But it was one beautiful day, tucked into weeks of unprecedented wildfire smoke and poor air, trapping us inside. It feels misrepresentative.

 

I have been missing from this space for quite some time. The general changes of life in the past year or so, coupled with the pandemic, have me moving further inward. But I have been thinking a lot about my word for 2020, Light, and today, as I folded some laundry, I had a sudden urge to come and post. I don't really have collected thoughts to share, but perhaps I am not alone, as my mind wanders through a chain reaction of emotions and awareness of a need for time to process. Time that is difficult to carve out these days, despite seemingly having lots of time. (We, as parents, have taken on every role, all at once. Even those of us who homeschooled before are not experiencing life in the same way. Our spaces are small and so compactly shared right now. Those of us with high needs children are left without supports we once had. Our children don't have time with mentors they adore. And more. It is hard.)

When I chose the word Light, it was almost a transitional word for me, because the other word I considered was Change. I didn't feel ready to do the inner work involved, yet, with the word Change, but I guess Mother Earth is having a laugh on me, because this year has been all about Change. But it has also been about Light. When I chose Light, the other word that paired with it in my mind was Namaste, which I have always known to mean "the good and the light in me, sees and honors the good and the light in you." 

Isn't this a year during which we have needed to continue to see the good in others and continue to have to reach toward, lean into, walk toward light, positivity, and hope?

There has been so much darkness this year. A pandemic, many deaths as a result, chronic after-effects for many who have survived, economic pain and instability, and climate disasters. Here where I live, 4 million acres of beautiful land, burned in wildfires, many killed, homes lost, and many more displaced. It keeps coming. It is the sensation of being knocked down, bruised up, and dragging ourselves up again to keep going. It is a year of grieving so much. I am not willing to give up on 2020 yet. There are too many holidays, birthdays, achievements, and goals to be celebrated and met.

With light and hope,

N

restorative self-care

I have been thinking A LOT about self-care in recent weeks. The word is used a lot in the social circles I move in, but it had lost a lot of meaning for me. Self-care, self-centered, self-indulgence, and restorative self-care were all getting muddled for me and I wasn't doing any of it well.

What I am trying to focus on these days is restorative self-care. Big or little activities I am doing thoughtfully, intentionally, mindfully to care for my body, heart, and soul in a way that I enjoy and makes me feel a little restored, without guilt.

Restorative self-care is different, for me, than self-care that might include an activity that is practicing care, but doesn't feel refueling or enjoyable, such as going to the doctor. It can include treats of various kinds, but that would fall, first, into self-indulgence.

If I am missing out on space and time to practice restorative self-care, I tend to feel a self-centered lacking. This manifests, for me, in resentful words and behavior that I regret later, and more self-indulgence than self-care. I start to feel guilty, very much aware that many of my challenges are what my family calls 'first world problems,' and while that is not said to diminish the difficulties that are truly needing attention, it does help me re-establish where I have lost my boundaries and...self-care!

Here are some small ways that I am caring for myself in a restorative way (in no particular order, except sleep comes first). These are small, doable things during this season of life that has us on-the-go far too much right now. None of them take much time or money. While I am realizing some changes need to be made in our schedule (and definitely my attitude about it), I am starting with making some shifts for myself to help me manage the overwhelm I am feeling.

Restorative Self-care Activities:

• Prioritizing sleep.
• A hot shower (For some, a bubble bath. For me, a hot shower at night after the kids are in bed.)
• Setting a morning intention.
• Writing down 3+ things I am grateful for each night.
• Getting outside! Nature is the most incredible balm.
• A hot compress on my eyes (I am prone to sties under stress and this forces me to sit in a favorite chair, close my eyes, and rest for 5 minutes.)
• Meditation. (I love the free Insight Timer app. It has something for everyone.)
• Reading a "slush" book before sleep (This is a non-heady book for pleasure.)
• Exercise, even if only 20 minutes
• Yoga (I am not a "yoga person," but Yoga with Adriene for 15 minutes leaves my body feeling really good.)
• Art (I am no artist, but putting colors on paper, taking some satisfying photos, or making something with my hands in a creative ways, feels positive.)
• Hugging myself, squeezing my shoulders, and speaking positive words to myself in the mirror.
• Crying. Yes, really. When things feel overwhelming, a good cry is a huge release for me.
• Journaling. (I am a highly sensitive introvert, so getting it out helps a lot.)
• Sharing the burden...talking with my husband, close family member, or friend all help. Sometimes in sharing, I unintentionally receive help I didn't realize I needed or simply get support that helps me let go of a few worries.
• Sitting outside for a few minutes with a cup of tea.
• If I have one-on-one connection daily with each of my people, I feel calmer and less guilty about needing to carve time for myself.
• 3 deep breaths. I cannot remember where I read about these names for it, but this type of breathing is instantly calming for me. "Mint tea," "Hot cocoa," or as my daughter calls them "Lavender and Dandelion" breaths. Breathe deeply in through the nose, hold the breath, then exhale, blowing out of the mouth, as if you are smelling your drink or flower, then blowing on it to cool it or make a wish. Do this 3 times. On breath one, just focus on the breathing. One breath 2, stretch and expand your body. (We tend to get tight and contract when stressed.) On breath 3, speak an intention or single most important thing for right now. (This 3 breath focus came from an episode of the TiLT Parenting Podcast, which I highly recommend, especially if you have quirky kiddos.)
• More of what feels good to my body (water, for example) and less of what doesn't (chocolate, for example...that is a self-indulgence).

There are certainly other small things that one could do. Some people like to give themselves a mani- or pedicure, have a personal dance party, or play a game of solitaire. Do what works for you. The list above works for me and it does not include screen use of any kind, which is my preference for restorative self-care.

Be well!

Inner Work, Faith, and Self-care

 Beauty grows from hard things. 

(Penstemon newberryi growing from a crack in a mass of granite.)

When I began diving into Waldorf with intention, about 8 years ago, the words 'inner work' kept coming up. At the time, I was a bit hesitant to ask, 'what does that mean?!'

During that time, what I was reading and hearing generally had religious foundations. The advice "Pray about it" and "Get down on your knees" was offered freely. As a spiritual, but secular person, these suggestions baffled me and slowed my progress. I could not relate to the easy faith that sharing with God would bring peace, because God would provide. I do not believe in a God in this way and I do not have that free trust that there is someone bigger than me, ready to catch me and lead the way.

Somewhere along way, I began to understand inner work as a catch-phrase for slowing down, getting quiet in my mind, admitting where I needed to let go and ask for help (even if only to myself), and taking ownership for my role in all aspects of my life and all relationships in my life. This 'inner work' seems to mean quiet self-recognition, ownership-of-self, and any actions taken to accept and move forward. For some, it includes prayer. For me, it includes meditation, thoughtfulness, and intentionality. It might include crying as a release and I may need to write freely to achieve a place of mental peace.  Inner work can be hard and painful and vulnerable. It can be freeing and calming. For me, it is soul-care and needs to be followed with self-care and the ingestion of content or performance of any activity to help me help heal and grow myself, such as listening to music, reading poetry, doing yoga, writing, doing an art or crafting, reading, etc.

I learned that once I understood myself more, I could better define what inner work meant for me, and over the years, my inner work and self-care have changed due to the circumstances in my life even more than they have changed due to knowing myself better.

I am a highly sensitive, introverted woman, who is married to an amazing man who has a long commute (affecting his own self-care and our family schedule and dynamics) and a homeschool parent to two children, one of whom has a variety of differences and higher needs. These aren't the only factors that define me, but they the the biggest factors in defining my ability to do healthy work on myself and care for myself.

I need to start from a place of consistent alone time, preferably at home. This provides the well from which I draw, and without that, even daily small doses of self-care aren't enough and I have trouble letting go into that place of true quiet. I end up "thinking about my need to think about things."

This past year, particularly since winter break, our family patterns and personal schedules have changed and shifted a bit, making it nearly impossible for me to at home, alone (or seemingly alone with others asleep). I have been working to adjust and accommodate. This past year has been one of growth, exploration, and change in so many ways.

Since we homeschool, summer is a chance for kids to attend day camp, giving us all a break from one another and me some much needed alone time. This summer, because of travel and classes, the kids are doing just one week of camp and that is wrapping up now. I could use one more day but the kids felt done by the end of yesterday.

I made a list of things I needed and wanted to accomplish this week. I tried to be realistic and also to make sure there were not just productive items, but true self-care on the list. I am pleased with how much I marked off the list! Despite this, I can see how depleted I have gotten simply because it took me until day 4 to really start to let go, cry, get a little quiet in my mind, and begin to work through the many things I have mentally set aside. As soon as I do, healing, decisions, and faith in myself begin, and joy and beauty have a chance to sprout.

What do inner work, soul-care, and self-care look like for you?

January 2019

My blogging friend Carrie, of The Parenting Passageway, writes helpful, inspiring, meaningful posts on a very regular basis. I read and nod along with so many. She often writes a post for each month discussing relevant dates and ways to honor and celebrate those days as well as the season itself. This month, she added what she and her children were covering in each grade she is homeschooling, as well as personal and home goals and activities. I loved reading it and thought it was a format of sharing I would like to try. So here goes...

In January we hope for rain

to fill our reservoirs again. 

~Nicola

Dates of Interest:

These are some of the days our family is celebrating this month or simply things we are taking note of or interest in.

January 1: New Year's Day - for our family, this is the last day of our holiday countdown and a day that M has off of work.

January 20: Total Lunar Eclipse - I am excited that the eclipse can be seen at a time our kids can be awake to see it! Rainy weather may affect us, but fingers crossed we get a glimpse.

January 21: Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. Day, observed

January 28: Journey North Mystery Class begins

Homeschooling:

After a very clunky few months, we are settling into a new and more predictable rhythm, which is very welcome!

Both kids are participating in a class and, ultimately, a production of Shakespeare's Twelfth Night right now. A lot of their lesson work stems from or is tied to this class, whether it be speech (learning lines), writing, or history.

Fifth grader: He is beginning to research and work on a project for the Shakespeare class. His chosen topic is architecture. I will help him narrow it down more as he explores his resources. He has regular/daily math he is doing using Teaching Textbooks and Key To workbooks. I am noticing some areas we need to review and/or gap-fill, so we are working on those, as well. He has learning differences with phonics, spelling, and writing, so we are using a program called REWARDS to support his progress in these areas.

Eight grader: She is also beginning to research and work on a project for the Shakespeare class. Her chosen topic is bookbinding in Elizabethan England. She is working on math daily using Khan Academy and Key To workbooks. We are also working through gaps. We have just gone through a lengthy evaluation for her and so are processing all we learned and making a plan for how to continue encouraging her strengths while adjusting assistance in the areas she needs more support.

Self-care:

My word for the year is present. My goal is to be mindful right now. A lot has happened in the past couple of years in our family that has affected my responses, reactions, and abilities to stay present. Also, we are having to do a lot more thinking and planning for educational changes next year. For various reasons, I have felt depleted and it has affected my health. So for self-care, I have resumed waking before everyone, getting a quiet cup of tea, and journaling. I have shifted my journaling prompts again, and having something fresh, helps. I am also getting daily exercise and M and I are re-establishing an at-home date night weekly.

Parenting:

One on one time for any of us (parent-child or husband-wife) has been ridiculously limited lately, so one of my goals right now is to make sure we are getting at least a little bit (that isn't connected to homeschool lessons). For Brown Mouse, this means remembering to pause what I am doing and join him in his play. For Lala Bug, it means joining her while she knits or crafts. And for M and me, it means those date nights I mentioned and a willingness to stay up later than my body likes, for at least one night a week, as his schedule and mine are a bit different. In addition, I have been mulling over Brown Mouse's social needs and supporting Lala Bug in building up the skills she will need for high school. We are still undecided about how/where she will be for 9th grade, so we have been touring schools and learning about the charter schools that serve homeschooled high schoolers.

Home Life:

I ended 2018 and began 2019 thinking a lot about my words for the years, shifting from happy to present. With my inner work toward happy came a foundation of work I needed to do around my expectations of others, limits/boundaries, and holding those limits with love. With a goal of being present, comes strength. All of that said, I have been doing a lot of inner work on my own needs, guilt, and what I am teaching my children through how I express all of this. Part of the result is that I am being clearer with the kids about the need for each of them to contribute more in our home, so I can be responsible for less. In addition, we are working towards some simple renovations (really, completion of projects started long ago) and a thorough purge and clean as we move toward re-arranging who sleeps in which rooms of our small house. This is long overdue and feels like a huge hurdle, so we are tackling a little bit at a time.

Crafting:

I simply don't have the time and energy I had when the kids were littler, to do the types of creating or writing I used to do. I know, it is a matter of how I choose to use my time. Right now, those pursuits are getting less of me. I have been reading for pleasure, I have been doing a tiny bit of knitting, and I have been taking photographs, which I love. Both kids are expressing an interest in photography, so I am considering signing us up for an online photo class. This would be something we could enjoy together, do in our own time from home, and also expose Lala Bug to online classes, which she will need to be familiar with in high school. We, as a family, have been crafting a lot, though. There was a lot of merry making leading up to Christmas and I have supported my very crafty children!

Well...so much January goodness. Although it is already mid-January, I have enjoyed sharing our plans. Maybe as we go along, I will also share what we actually did! If you care to share what is happening at your house, I would love to read it!

present

I am not sure at what point the word present landed on my list of possible words for 2019, but it was some months ago, perhaps even nearly a year ago. Sometime in November, though, it floated to the top of my mind and stuck there. Well, in honesty, I tipped back and forth between present and presence, but I decided that present had a little more flexibility to it and I am a woman who likes a little flexibility.

Each year, I choose a guiding word for myself. In fact, 2019 marks my 10th year of doing so. Woah. My words so far have been calm (2010), nourish (2011), hope (2012), renewal (2013), treasure (2014), joy (2015), potato (really, humor and laughter...potato was a family joke, 2016), harmony (2017), and happy (with expectations and boundaries being the foundation, 2018).

Just writing those words evokes so many memories and emotions for me, each word chosen carefully to honor where I was at that time in my life and my personal growth. I carry each word forward with me, knowing which ones I still need to meditate on from time to time.

As I reflect on my word for 2018, happy, I feel so good. So many really hard things happened for me (I don't want to use the words to me) in 2018 with regard to relationships with several people close to me. The kind of hurts that last a long time and grief that resurfaces in moments we least want it to, but makes us more confident, stronger, and reflect more on ourselves and what is most important. Coming into 2018, I already knew that the foundation of happy for me at this time in my life, was a need to be clear about my expectations of others (and myself) and a need to work on setting and holding boundaries. While still a work in progress for me, I have come a long way and each step has contributed to my overall sense of happy.

I will keep working on that in 2019, but the latter half of 2018 left me recognizing that I am having to work really hard to stay present. Parts of me feel stuck in the past, parts of me feel too forward-thinking, and part of me just feels muddled, fuzzy headed, wrapped up in worries, and unable to stay focused and mindful of what is important right now. All we have is today. I want to have happy presence with my family, I want to have clarity of mind, and I want to feel lighter and less drained. I think this may mean viewing the word present in a different way, as well...as a present to myself or the gift of self-care.

Do you have a word or goal for 2019?

lift off, 2018-2019

Hello, September! I blogged about my home learning plans for this year a few weeks ago and we are now underway. We are transitioning in slowly. We have begun some activities already and some have yet to begin. This has been the smoothest start to the (home)school year of the last several. I had to pause to think about that after I wrote it, because it is unexpected, since we have entered this year with far more uncertainty than the past few.

Perhaps we were itching for rhythm or maybe just a good read aloud. Perhaps the smooth start has had more to do with my attitude about how I truly want this year to be or the fact that we had just come home from a deeply connected, nature filled week away. Regardless, the last two weeks have been a nice blend of gentle main lesson work and time to pursue interests. We began the year with some gifts, annual porch photos (heart tug), and a simple rhythm of weekly nature study, daily read aloud (Carry On, Mr. Bowditch...a beautifully written blend of history, science, and math), language arts work (Arrow guide from Brave Writer), and math. (We have transitioned to mostly online materials for math and are trying Teaching Textbooks through a a free trial. It looks like we might have one kiddo using Teaching Textbooks and one using Khan Academy this year.)

 Checking out Teaching Textbooks. And yes, that is corn on the floor in the background. Brown Mouse loves to drive his big trucks through it, playing that it is gravel. What you can't see is the laundry on the floor beyond that, waiting to be folded.

One of my biggest observations is that I have noticed almost no complaining about this rhythm so far, and both kids are more articulate about what they would enjoy and what would help them be more organized. I needed to see and feel this success and growth.  We love homeschooling, we choose it, it is a gift and privilege, but there are days/weeks/months/years when it is hard.

I am sharing some photos here, from our first couple of weeks. Those of you on Instagram might recognize a few of these, but I haven't shared them here. (You can request to follow me @nicolacreativelightless if you are an IG user.)

Over the next few weeks, we will have a clunky ramp up to our full schedule for the fall and early winter. Soccer games will begin and consume weekends, we have a differently wired kiddo undergoing some assessments to help us offer unique support, 4-H projects will begin, and charter school classes will begin.

I am looking forward to a happy year ahead. Regardless of how and where your kids are learning, I hope the shift into the new school year goes well for you all.

p.s. My friend, Amber of Hearth Magic, is hosting a free autumn blog series called Coming Home, starting tomorrow. I am honored to be one of the contributors. You can sign up to receive the series here.

guest house (a Which Name? re-post)

This post was first written and posted to my original blog, Which Name?, on February 22, 2013. I have made a few small edits here for privacy reasons. I clearly remember the introduction of this poem to me (thank you, Mom) and my reason for posting it then. At that time, I had learned about the second of several miscarriages the morning of the day we met with our new homeschool charter teacher. (This charter relationship is not the same one we are in now and was not a good fit.) The "guest" at that time represented the pain and inability to communicate to those around me the loss of someone I never really had. I am posting this again today, because this blog post popped up in my Facebook memories and it couldn't have hit me on a more perfect day. (Okay, I am sure it could, as I'm a sensitive woman, so another wave came before and another will come after.) This morning was bumpy for all sorts of reasons, manifesting in a very tough homeschool day. As I read this post, I long to step back in time, wrap myself in those little people who just want and need me and look so darn cute reading on the couch together. I want to freeze us there while gain my footing, get caught up, catch my breath. I treated this morning's guest kindly and with love and the rewards will come back to me 'some day,' I am sure of it. (And just as I was typing this, one of my now-tall-little people asked to sit on my lap for a hug. Maybe it is 'some day' already.)  ~Nicola, February 22, 2018


February 22, 2013
guest house

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.

Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,

some momentary awareness comes

as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!

Even if they are a crowd of sorrows,

who violently sweep your house

empty of its furniture,

still, treat each guest honorably.

He may be clearing you out 

for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,

meet them at the door laughing and invite them in.

Be grateful for whatever comes

because each has been sent

as a guide from beyond.

-- Jelaluddin Rumi, 

translated by Coleman Barks

 

The Rumi poem above came to me from my mom (which came to her from a friend) at the beginning of the year, at a time when our chain of losses had only just begun. It is such a beautiful poem and so powerful. I printed it out and put it up above my desk. (I have corks there to collect the bits of inspiration that I look to now and then to keep me going.) The photos below it show that life continues...spring is springing here in coastal California.

The days are blending into each other now, in a very natural way. Many of them have their challenges. My current mantra (gleaned from somewhere in my Waldorf-y world) is "warm heart, cool mind." But not a single day has passed during which I have regretted our decision to homeschool. I thought I knew this girl of mine, but she is teaching me so much about what an amazing person she is and is becoming.

This isn't going to be one of those homeschooler posts where I tell you what our rhythm is and all the cool stuff we are doing. Although we actually have done a bunch of cool stuff, the truth is, I am finding it so challenging to get into a new groove. I had a fabulous one going before winter break, but I have learned it was easier for me to shape one with Little Brown Mouse while Lala Bug was at school. Lala is an enigma...I haven't quite figured out how to best shape our day for her (and for me). I do know she really did need (and does need) this time with me. I am loving that, truly. I am only mildly missing my alone time (although there aren't enough hours in the day and I am not quite sure how I am going to get the taxes done), but I am missing my time with Little Brown Mouse. He and I have no alone time now, although I am not sure he minds the way Lala did when she didn't have any alone time with me.

As for the nuts and bolts, I can share those. We left the Waldorf-inspired charter we were in for a number of reasons. I will say only that I hope, for all the children there (and selfishly because I spent hours and hours over the past 2 years working on the school), that the school finds its way to success eventually. We moved straight into the arms of several families of like-minded friends (old and new) in the form of a Waldorf and arts inspired homeschool co-op. The kids all get along and we parents are currently hosting 6 classes for them, including lesson-related crafting, knitting (also lead by a dear friend and mentor), world dance, creative writing, world music, and Spanish. It is fabulous. We are also homeschooling through a charter and trying to remain as Waldorf inspired as possible, as this seems to touch Lala (and me!) deeply. We have chosen Waldorf Essentials (through choice) and Oak Meadow (charter approved) as our curricula for now, and are using the non-Waldorf, but entertaining, Life of Fred for math.

 A little less than two months in, I am still a little uncertain of myself, but have been reassured that I am doing well, given how new to this part of our journey we are. Everyone is happier and our family is more connected. We seem to either get startled, crazed looks or excited inquiries about how to do it, when we tell people we are homeschooling. The truth is, we are happy with the choice. I am not sure what the future holds, but then that is half the fun.

  

happy

Each year, I choose one word, a grounding word, to hold in my mind and heart when I need it most.
This year, I thought of many words that seemed right; Reflect, Connect, Rest, Quiet, Us, Grow(th), Acceptance, Smile, Contentment, Consciousness, Creativity, Letting Go (two words, I know).

I needed a simple word to return to, something that, in some way, can encompass all of those, depending on how life ebbs and flows.

So I am embracing the word Happy.

Happy is a feeling I want to reclaim. I feel as though I have lost it as I grasp for other things. Honestly, what I really came down to were the words Expectations and Boundaries/Limits, which would, in turn, lessen my feelings of Guilt, something that really chokes out Happy. So, through the year, as I meditate on the word Happy, I will be checking in with myself about Expectations, Boundaries/Limits, and Guilt.

This is my 9th year choosing a word. My previous words for each year were as follows, and each has given me one anchor to pause and meditate on when I need just one thing.

2010 ~ Calm
2011 ~ Nourish
2012 ~ Hope
2013 ~ Renewal
2014 ~ Treasure
2015 ~ Joy
2016 ~ Laughter/Humor (Really, it was a word that was an inside family joke. Here is my post.)
2017 ~ Harmony (Here is my blog post from last year)
and now,
2018 ~ Happy

When I look back and think about those words, each one brings such unique memories of my focus for that year. The summer I practiced embroidery at the lake by stitching calm into the sampler. The year nourish shifted from tending my pregnant body to tending my miscarried soul. The year I needed to remember to treasure what I had instead of looking for something more, different. These words are an anchor to focus my busy mind.

Each year, on our adventures, I find a rock along the way, write my word of the year, the year, and where I found it, on the rock. I then add it to the growing pile in a big shell on my dresser. Sometimes, I stop and handle the rocks, holding the weight of those words and memories.

I hope you found harmony in 2017 and may your 2018 be a happy one!

woolly sheep and naturally dyed eggs

 This year, we made woolly sheep and colorful wool felted egg balls for our nature table. In years past we have dyed eggs with homemade plant dyes.

Here are links to how-to articles I wrote, once upon a time, for Rhythm of the Home online magazine. I miss that magazine and my mama heart tugs to see my big-littles as little-littles. Enjoy.

Woolly Sheep

Natural Dyes (And a gluten and sugar filled cobbler recipe. Now, I would reduce the sugar significantly and replace the regular flour with gluten free.)

Wishing you all a gentle Pesach, celebratory Easter, and Happy Spring!

harmony for change

The start of the new year coincided with the need for a new notebook. I had drifted away from daily use of a notebook and pen for lists, podcast notes, and other random brain dumps, instead appreciating that my phone and computer notes sync with one another. But I began noticing that, even though this simple notebook has never been a journal, the absence of putting pen to paper (even if only to make a note of something I wanted to do later on the computer) was creating an internal bottleneck for me. So recently, I have been starting my day with a little writing by candle light, followed by exercise. I take my journal and this notebook to the table with a cup of tea and a candle, to get my thoughts out for the day. This has been key for me, uncorking words that have been stuck for a long time now. I have been feeling the need, for some time now, to unlock some things that have welled up inside, but that I have been holding back. I thought I had been moving through things smoothly, but comments from each of my three people (two little and one big) were painfully startling to me, making me realize that feelings I think I have been hiding, have actually been bubbling over more often than I think.

This is the year of harmony, but I have been feeling strongly that this will be a big year of change. I am seeing it all around me in the lives of others I know, I am seeing it in my own life and in my bottled thoughts, we are feeling it following the election, and I am feeling s sense of it, deep down. I think some of the change will be good, some bad, and some will be unexpected. Some might be welcome, some resisted. So at the moment, I am trying to focus on balance, on harmony, and on acceptance, and on releasing a little more to pen and paper.

this is my job

Social studies in the living room

This is the season of holiday parties, and in some of my online homeschooling communities, the question has arisen "What do you say when people ask what you do?" Honestly, this question doesn't bother me. I tell people what I do. But...this question generally comes from people I don't know, so it is more entertaining than anything else to watch and hear the responses. I have no investment in their opinion.

This year was the first time I can remember having conversations that left me feeling a little uprooted. At the time, I was momentarily phased, but it wasn't until later (early the next morning while exercising and having a quiet moment alone with my thoughts) that the words and the meanings meshed into something in my mind a little more weighty.

Writing holiday cards to nursing home residents

First, I was asked "so...just how long have you been a stay at home mom?" (Almost nine years. Nine of them. That's a lot of flippin' years.) The next person asked "so you still don't work, do you?" Honestly, my response to this one was "Actually, I work A LOT."

Okay, so I am a sensitive soul, and these were lovely, well intended questions from friends of my parents. People who probably don't really care a bit about what I really do, don't actually hold judgement on me, and who are just trying to make conversation. But they probably do care about my parents, they probably do compare what their own children are doing with what their friends' kids are doing, and perhaps my own parents do, too. As a sensitive soul, the questions linger and add themselves to the questions I have of myself. As I roll into mid-life, what am I doing with my life? What next?

 Learning about bridges with Uncle S

Well let me tell you...A LOT. I am teaching, learning, facilitating opportunities, fostering curiosities, exploring all sorts of topics, crafting, creating, and connecting with my children. I am good at it. It is hard. I am making decisions all. day. long. It is nearly impossible to find quiet. There are limits to my knowledge (as is the case for every teacher) and I don't get paid (in money). But this is my job and although I get grumpy, tired, stressed (the stakes are high!), and overwhelmed sometimes, I am privileged to do it and it is no less important than having an advanced degree or a passion-driven job as some of my peers are paid to do.

I am blessed to be in an extended family who, while concerned and curious, are supportive and interested, invested, and wanting to help. I am not generally questioned or undermined. Occasional comments are made that leave me wondering if they are disappointed with the choices I/we have made, if there is embarrassment at having to answer that I am not working (for a paycheck), but judgments and negative comments are kept to themselves, support is offered and given often, and I know we have opened the door to a world of possibilities, not just to our children, but to our families, as well.

I don't know what next. I am trying to be present in what is in front of me right now, as it is so fleeting. I have inklings of ideas of the possibilities for me when I am no longer homeschooling and have faith the doors will open when the time is right.

Right now, I am a home educator. This is my job. What do you do?

to the moon and back

Dear Lala Bug,

Today marks my 12th journey around the sun as a mamma. You have made this so! This year has been one of such incredible growth. So much growth, sweet girl, that I am crying as I write this, because growth can bring both joy and pain. I am sure someone told me, before you were born, how much wonder, learning, and joy being a mother would bring. Maybe they even told me about the pain, too. I don't remember. I do remember being told to enjoy every moment, even the hard ones, because they go so quickly.
Oh, they do.

Your confidence and your curiosity have continued to soar this year. You have become a little more willing to try some of the things that previously made you nervous or frustrated. You have also come into your own a little more and I am doing the hard part of stepping back a little, letting go a little, still being there when you need me, but knowing that, soon, I won't be the sun in your little world. And that is hard for this sensitive, emotional mamma.

You still are so grounded in who you are; how and what you love to play, your favorite colors. (All that I wrote last year still applies.) You are still passionate about soccer. You know all about the soccer greats, but your heart lies firmly with the U.S. women's team. You still love ballet and there is nothing like a good dance fest in the living room to shake off the grumpies and return to center. You've found an appreciation for U2, John Denver, and The Beatles this year. You feel good about the way we are addressing your worries and you still find knitting (and crochet) a relaxing activity, whipping out a record number of skilled projects, including Stan the Stegosaurus. (All while I am still working on that ridiculous pair of slippers!)

Sweet cheeks, my hope for this year ahead is that you experience peace and pleasure in all that you are increasingly able to do as you grow. My hope for me is that I am able to continue nurturing our connection in new and loving ways. You are gift! I love you to the moon and back. A million times.

Love, Mamma

danaus plexippus

This is the story of 3 Monarch (Danaus plexippus) caterpillars; Dum Dum, Michael Phelps, and Bubbles.

Once upon a time, there was a young girl named Lala Bug. With a shriek of glee, she cried "Look! Look at what is on this plant!" Her little brother and her Mama, came running. There, on one of the small milkweed plants that they had grown from seed, was the little caterpillar. They watched this little creature on and off all day and then, the next day, when Mama went to water another milkweed plant, she found two more caterpillars.

Lala Bug, Little Brown Mouse, and Mama were very excited. They all loved Monarch butterflies very much, but had never found any in their own garden before. They gave the three caterpillars names. Little Brown Mouse named the first and biggest caterpillar Dum Dum. Mama named the second biggest caterpillar Michael Phelps (who does a beautiful butterfly stroke and in honor of the Olympics, which was happening when this story began).  Lala Bug named the tiniest little caterpillar Bubbles.

When Dum Dum crawled over the edge of the potted milkweed plant, the three amateur naturalists began to worry. They wanted to watch the entire life cycle of these lovely visitors. Mama suddenly remembered she had scored a butterfly habitat at a thrift sale months ago, so she brought that out and the three naturalists put the caterpillars, potted milkweed and all, into the butterfly habitat.

And then they began to watch. For days they watched, they watered milkweed, they rotated potted plants in and out of the butterfly habitat, and they took photographs.

One day, they noticed that Dum Dum was looking a little darker and was very still. They worried that he was dying! Instead, after several hours, Dum Dum made a little pad and attached himself to the side of the netting. Mama was concerned about his choice of location.

The next morning, when they went to check on the caterpillars, they found that Dum Dum had made a chrysalis. It was fully formed and hardened, with a beautiful golden rim at the top.

Not long after, Michael Phelps showed the same signs of darkening and slowing down. He climbed to the top of the butterfly habitat and attached himself to the lid. (Mama thought this was a much safer location for a chrysalis.) The amateur naturalists now knew, from observation and research, that Michael Phelps would curl up into a J shape before splitting his final caterpillar skin.

While the three humans kept checking, they missed the transformation Michael Phelps made from caterpillar to chrysalis, his third stage in his four stage life cycle.

A few days later, Bubbles made the same transition. This time, the three amateur naturalists caught Bubbles' transformation on video! It was a very exciting moment. (And it was a moment. The change happened very quickly.)

Now the naturalists had to wait. And wait. And wait.

 

More than 2 weeks passed. Mama began to worry again. Had they not survived this stage? In the meantime, the family of naturalists took lots of photographs. The chrysalis of the Monarch caterpillar is small, about an inch long, a lovely shade of pea green, with the most beautiful shimmering gold band.

They had not died! Suddenly, one morning, there was a beautiful Monarch butterfly. While the naturalists did not see the first, Dum Dum, emerge, they did catch the Michael Phelps emerging on video and watched her(!!) pump up her wings.

Each one of the amateur naturalists got a chance to hold and release a butterfly. In doing so, they discovered all three butterflies they had been calling "he" were all actually "she."

These butterflies were the third generation, so as they flew off, the amateur naturalists could envision their winged friends, flying south to Mexico or Monterey Bay (since they began west of the Rockies. East of the Rockies, Monarchs migrate to Mexico.)

Magic.

366: 112

April 21, 2016

I haven't written in awhile. Mostly, it is because life gets busy and I like to include photographs and doing so takes time!

Today we had a really good day and I find that, while I used to need to write and share most often when things were hard, now I have a great impulse to share when something is going well.
 
For the last 5 weekdays, large chunks of Lala Bug's time has been spent in front of a computer, putting her attention into the annual standardized testing. To say she was a bit "fried" would be more than fair for this child who has limits in her sensory filtering. She did wonderfully, though, and we did wonderfully supporting her. (The odd schedule, lack of rhythm, and shuttling to and fro affected everyone.)

As a result, today, my only goal was to get us back into our rhythm, without any academic pressure. We had the loveliest day, beyond my expectations. I anticipated some fall out from the intensity of the last week (and that may still come), but today was untainted.

It began with my version of these little magical treasure jars waiting on the table for the kids. They were so well received, with the kids excitedly saying "the fairies left us presents!" After this discovery, the kids eagerly showed Dada their latest 'grasshopper math' game. Together, they made and taped down the 3 times table. I call out problems and they take turns jumping to the solution.

We had family breakfast, sent M off to work, had some wrestle, snuggle, giggle, connection time, and got ready for the day. The kids pulled out Kinetic Sand and mini trucks to play with during morning read-aloud. I wish I had a photo!

We had lunch and then packed up our backpacks (and magical sea glass!) and went to our favorite nearby park for some nature time. We were only there an hour, barely got far, but explored the whole walk to the "quiet spot" Little Brown Mouse picked. I am amazed and pleased with how many plants the kids know.

We plopped ourselves down, did some drawing for a bit, listened to the birds, and then Little Brown Mouse declared he was ready to go home. I think he was eager to return to the Sparkle Stories Nature School story we had paused half way through. Okay! I was happy we had all engaged enthusiastically and found some peace in the time in nature.

Home again, we cleaned up a bit, had some more connected play time and snacks, the kids wrote about their adventure for their sea glass jar, and I let the kids watch a Magic School Bus. After that, Little Brown Mouse practiced ukulele and had a bubble bath while Lala Bug and I got some one on one time making herbal remedies. She chose to make some tea and ice pops for sore throats. I felt loved...I think it was because I have been feeling rough due to allergies.

Before I knew it, both kids were in their bathing suits in the bubble bath together. That hasn't happened in months. (There have been so many changes and so much growth in the past year that there has been a little grieving from both kids. Brown Mouse was missing baths with his sister and what I think started as "okay, I'll hop in because he keeps asking" turned into mutually rolicking fun with bubbles and laughter galore.)

Homemade minestrone and homemade corn muffins (from ground corn from the harvest festival, yum!) for dinner and snuggles and books on the couch with Dada home again rounded out a very sweet day.